Sound Off is a series of personal essays about education written by educators, parents, students, and community members.
As a parent, I aimed to protect my identical twin sons from all the ills in the world. However, I knew that racism would be inevitable. I really wanted to be proven wrong. I had hoped that my Black boys would never have one story of racism. My reality in this place called America told me that was wishful thinking. Like many other Black parents, I decided to focus on what I could control. I couldn’t remove the racism and hatred in other people’s hearts, but I could prepare my sons for it.
My husband and I told them that racism is wrong and no one should engage in racist behavior. I told them that if they ever encounter racism, they could always talk to us. Last, we told them that no matter what anyone calls them or how anyone treats them, they should never succumb to the victim mentality. We wanted them to know they should overcome and be victorious. Don’t get me wrong. Focusing on being victorious over being victimized doesn’t mean there isn’t real harm or hurt that can live on for days, weeks, or years beyond the incident, especially when the harm comes from someone that was thought to be a friend.
Earlier this year, my son told a white female that she was short. I’m 5’2’’ and the girl is shorter than me. The girl responded by calling my son a n-word baby. My son has never been called the n-word before. He was shocked and dismayed that a girl he had known since elementary school, whom he called friend, thought this response was appropriate to being called short.
We had a family meeting and in that meeting it was decided that my son would talk to the girl at school. At school, according to my son, she apologized and my son informed her that she could no longer have any further contact with him.
The girl could not accept this. Instead, she began contacting my son through another student and started riding her bike to our neighborhood this summer. She took pictures of herself in our neighborhood, sent pictures of our house to our son to let us know she rode past our home, and even told him she could see my husband taking out the trash bins. When she wasn’t doing that, she was taking screenshots of my social media and sending it to my son.
The student recently attended a trip out of the country that I attended with my boys and every place we stayed, the student obtained our hotel room number and made a point to make noise outside of our hotel room.
To say my husband and I had enough was an understatement. My son didn’t want this to become a big deal because of his classes. Both of my sons are in honor classes and honor classes have few sections which means that students tend to be with the same students for all of their classes.
Unfortunately, my Black son is not alone in being called the n-word. Other Black students in his honor classes have had the same experience of being called the n-word by white students. It seems to be a rite of passage for Black students.
Instead of leaving my son alone, the student persisted with communication and physically appeared in front of my home multiple times. After another family meeting, we determined it was best to contact the girl’s parents.
We didn’t at first because it is another level of mental exhaustion of telling white parents that their child called your Black child the n-word. There are various ways this interaction could unravel. They could deny it happened or claim their child only did it because they were provoked. We knew denial was not going to happen as we had it in writing. Additionally, the student confirmed her actions when my son talked to her. The parents could accept it and give the obligatory, “this is not who we are” or “this is not how we raised our child.” At the end of the day, neither encounter takes back what happened. Neither response restores the innocence of my son to exist in the world without ever being called that heinous word.
Redemption doesn’t mean restoration. I truly hope this child and her family come to terms with the fact that this is who they are but this is not who they have to remain. If that happens, it does not result in restoration with us. Some incidents, there is reconnection with the people who were harmed. However, this redemption for them might look like having better relationships with other Black people moving forward. Those Black people will never be us.
If a white female calls a Black male, the n-word after the Black male makes a factual statement such as saying the female is short, what would happen if the Black male actually said something that made the white female even angrier? The word of a white female has led to death. People only have to look at events such as the murder of Emmett Till or the Greenwood Massacre.
Black people do not have the luxury of hoping that the white people who have committed racist acts won’t escalate to more vicious behavior or cause others to implement harm on their behalf. It is literally life and death.
Over a year ago, I wrote, “The n-word is not a word for school.” After writing this article, I had superintendents, school leaders, and teachers reach out to me. Several leaders made my article a mandatory read for their staff and used it to change their school policies. I appreciate every person who told me of the impact of that article.
If I could wave a magic wand, I wish the n-word was not a word for anyone. As a Black family, we don’t use the word. There are so many words available, and we can all live a meaningful life without using that word.
If I could wave a magic wand one more time, I wish my son had never been called the n-word. There is no pain like watching your child feel dehumanized and knowing you can’t do any action to take that pain away.
The n-word is harmful, and its impact is something that even a mother’s love can take away.
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